We are not the same, I am a Martian

This post has been brought to you by the three mugs of Bud Light I had while writing it at Thunder Jackson’s on Bleecker Street and Sullivan Street near Washington Square Park. Thunder Jackson’s is currently a Halloween-themed bar playing a trance remix of “Missing” by Everything But The Girl. Fake spider webs are strewn across NYC train signs, chalkboards advertise cheap beer specials, pillars holding the building up have a million stickers advertising local bands and artists, and the scrawny bar hostess is promoting her own cleavage. I think, as I write this, I will tell you what song the hostess is blasting each time a new one comes on, just to try to bring the atmosphere to you and also because I fu%#ing feel like it [now Guns’ N’ Roses -- “Sweet Child O’ Mine” is playing].

 Ah………the disappearance of The Clandestine Samurai. Let’s see…..when I was last here to push my values on you, I was discussing the mockery and satire of the Mathema-Christian, what kind of video games people should really be blaming real-life violence for, and the Near Government Shutdown by selfish Republicans. Then, like Keyser Söze, poof……..I was gone. I’ll tell ye where I bloody went: after 10 months of unemployment (starting in August) from being laid off by this old, cheap and idiotic Jazz Museum owner who ended up not being able to afford the salary he offered me, I was finally hired by an appliance warehouse located at a 30-mins. train ride South from my home [“Creep” by Radiohead]. I was hired as a Customer Service Representative (a position I’ve been doing for years) in May, and on the day I found out I was ecstatic. I celebrated over some beers with a pastor at my church at a pub in Chelsea and then headed home to watch SpongeBob before rejoining the labor force. The next week I showed up at my scheduled time, ready to learn, administrate, problem-solve and conquer. Two weeks after I started, I ran head first into the cold, disillusioning truth that the search for a new job had not ended at all [“Heart-Shaped Box” by Nirvana, which features one of my all-time favorite lyrics: “I wish I could eat your cancer*”]. If anything, it became more desperate.

I was placed in a seat and told to stay there at all times, answer the phones (there’s literally an incoming call at least every 6 seconds) and help customers. This demand came with no training on how this company wants its employees to conduct themselves with clients, no stable source of information about the products I’m supposed to help these customers with, and no education on company policy [“Roxanne” by Sting]. Just a seat amidst the most immature and insipid group of people I have ever had the chance to encounter. A customer will call me with any number of questions, ranging from “Do you have the compressor for this model?” to “Where’s the part I ordered 4 months ago that your company told me I’d have in 2 weeks?” to “I need that part that connects to the thermostat but powers the defrost heater and shuts down the Condenser Fan Motor. You got it?” I’m just as equipped to answer these questions as you are [“Seventeen” by Winger, which I find an oddly……inappropriate song]. Everyday, the other employees here are constantly screaming and arguing with customers trying to force them to accept half-baked answers to these questions just to get them off the phone. Where are the managers, you ask?

There are 2. One is an inept, narrow-minded hypocrite who tries to get the company more money by forcing people to accept the items we send them although they are either wrong or defective. The other is a senile, extremely old-fashioned maverick-wannabe who only helps when he wants to (which is never) and is the walking incarnation of a character most religious folk are familiar with [“La Grange” by ZZ Top].

There are other aspects of this hellhole, such as the overly-aggressive, simple-minded Tea Party member; the violent psychopath veteran (by veteran I mean both that he’s been at that company for 8 years, and he was also enlisted in The Army and stationed in South Korea earlier in his life) who does customer service mind you; the dopey, inept secretary whose life has not an iota of recognizable meaning; and 2 technicians, one of which is just as simple-minded and neglectful as the rest of them, and the other one, a selfish, alienating court-jester type who laughs everything off and does not recognize any importance other than his own.

Although it is constantly repeated on the news that there aren’t that many people that can afford to buy food and clothing, much less appliances, right now, this company is flourishing. They’ve started with a handful of employees years ago, and now have a marketing department, a customer service department, a sales department and a bunch of other people that do other crap. It’s obvious this company has zero interest in helping the unwitting clients who make it stay afloat. They have nothing but terrible ratings on Yelp.com and the Better Business Bureau is probably just waiting for permission to send F.B.I. agents busting through the windows at this point. But they’ve been in business for decades and had one of their best sales years in 2010. So now, if for every business relationship made with one client, the customer service team drives 2 other clients away (who then spread the word to other prospective buyers), how is the company generating this success? Obviously something corrupt is afloat. But I digress. All of this is way too much to unpack now [“Ready To Go” by Republica].

I’m sure you come across a bunch of people telling you “be grateful you have a job, others are struggling right now”, or “at least you’re not unemployed” just like I do. Or perhaps you are one of these people. If you are, you should look in the mirror and give yourself the middle finger for me. Just because jobs are low in supply right now doesn’t mean it’s ok for me to throw my humanity away just to keep one. If people woke the f@$% up and realized being rational about things would carry us better and much quicker through a recession than being a land of scavengers would, there wouldn’t be things like 99 Percenters protests or elevated rates of crime like there is now. I don’t ask for a lot, but my point is that there are jobs that you can do until something better comes along, and then lower than that are jobs that have to be vacated and replaced with a new one immediately because they are torturous to be at. This job is about 5 levels beneath both of those.

Nah, not really, but it definitely is the 2nd one [Another dance remix of “Missing” by Everything But The Girl].


Notes:
The title of this post is a reference to a line used extensively in this song.

*Been trying to use this as a pickup line for a new girlfriend. Will let you know when it produces a phone number instead of a look of disgust.

Resurrection

I have been gone for quite some time, but this blog was never out of my thoughts.
I will return, my friends. I will return.........

No Heaven for Old Zealots: What Can We Learn?*

[For numbered parts, see Notes at the bottom of the post.]


So. Here we are. Post-Rapture.

I don’t know you if you caught a piece of the eschatological fervor, but recently headlines were made by Harold Camping, former engineer, present 89-year-old mathema-Christian¹ and show host at California-based non-profit broadcasting station Family Radio. He predicted, through some “Biblical Numerology” that just appeared to be a handful of high school algebra problems mixed with plot points from “The Da Vinci Code”, that on May 21st, 2011 all humans who were pre-handpicked for Salvation by Christ like contestants on “American Idol” would ascend into Heaven and vanish. The Left Behind would slowly die off until October 21st came, when there would be an official death for Earth itself.

According to an essay he wrote on this whole thing: due to God being sick and tired of Satan-owned churches (regular churches that are now owned by Satan because God is not with them anymore) and the Gay Pride Movement, earthquakes were to start on the Western Hemisphere of the world at 6:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, and then roll across to rest of the world. I’m not sure why Camping foreseen the specific time of 6:00 p.m., although I’m sure it’s because he knew Christ was to use that morning for laundry and that afternoon to meet someone in SoHo for lunch, and He wanted to get this project done before that day’s new episode of “N.C.I.S.” premiered.

A glance at the date on your cell phone can tell you that May 21st has long passed. As far as I can see, which is only a few feet since I haven’t been able to afford a renewed prescription on my glasses, no one has Left. But I’m sure there are reports of people mysteriously missing and piles of clothes lying around floating about somewhere or other. Or there would be if Camping’s P.R. people were smart about this.

Family Radio used millions of donated dollars to put up posters saying that the non-picked unfortunates only had until October 21st to talk to that person on whom they’ve crushed for so long, or to go skydiving, or to complete “Grand Theft Auto 4” before you sold it back to GameStop, because Camping knew for sure that that’s the date Jesus put on His Google Calendar to return to Earth, despite the fact that a large amount of Family Radio’s employees were planning to return to work on the following Monday. Believers in his prediction setup websites to give their pets to others because they had a heart and didn’t want to leave their chihuahuas and goldfish alone in their respective apartments after ascension (although I wonder if some of them have since embarrassingly tried to get their pets back).

Yet, here we are. As it stands, people have gone to Camping’s home to question why nothing has happened, but he has not been available for comment.

I suppose it would stand to use up internet space to criticize Mr. Camping for ignoring the Holy Word itself and instead using a solar-power calculator and scrap paper for his eschatology, but no! The question here is: what can we learn from Mr. Camping?

Is it the reexamination of our lives under the fear of its impending end?
I tried this theory by helping to enliven his teachings. On that fateful day, with my mother in her bedroom sleeping, I starting thumping fists against the walls in my apartment to simulate an upcoming earthquake. The bass-sonorous booms sounded distant at first, but I gradually increased the strength in each slam to signal a closing proximity. My mother, frightened at the anxious prospect of becoming a piece of spiritual-nothingness, cried aloud in fright: “Boy, turn dat damn Lil’ Wayne shit down, I’m tryna sleep! You ain’t too ole’ fo’ me to bus yo ass!”². Hmm…..not the results I sought.

Are we to then learn that theories can become realities when the belief in them becomes strong enough? Well, as I’ve said, I haven’t gotten news of anyone being Returned To Sender on 5/21/2011, but what about the fact that so many believed that Christ was to return that day and take His handpicked back with Him? Was it Mr. Camping’s conviction in voicing his Family Radio broadcasts that told these guys he was the Truth and the Light? Do his teachings “all make sense” in some form or fashion?

I tested this theory myself after having my own revelation.
After multiplying the digits of J.K. Rowling’s birthday with the number of text messages sent globally in February of 2006, and then dividing that by the number of planets in our universe, and then mixing Kool-Aid powder and a Starbucks Frappuchino in a glass and throwing it at a pigeon, then coloring outside the borders on a black-and-white “Dora the Explorer” picture with crayons, the Answer came to me.
On December 25th, The G.A.S.³ Force Trinity: Walt Disney, Hitler and Mel Gibson, will rise from the dead and reclaim the war against the Jews of this world, committing a “Holy Genocide” and leaving us in a new, reborn Earth where people are liberated from overpriced Lox bagels and Natalie Portman⁴. The Palestinians will be free to take the Gaza Strip for themselves and interest rates in everything from bank loans to credit card payments will mysteriously go down.

Hitting the streets with a painted van and a cheap bullhorn a few weeks before Camping’s predicted date, I promoted this vision with an obnoxious voice and a lot of finger pointing. I went to parks, restaurants, community centers. Synagogues⁵. I did an interview or 2 at radio stations and for journalists. I screamed and ranted that people wake up and receive this most pious warning.

After fighting with a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses for territory at a train station, one passerby had the nerve to question the Truth that I labored to enlighten mankind with. Behind a table with pamphlets and Kinko’s printouts, I shouted through the bullhorn “Forsooth! Cut your earthly connection to the Jews, for the G.A.S. Force will return and their judgment will be swift! The roads will be coated with blood, and the new Earth shall become!” A curly-haired youngster of no more than 15 years of age accompanied by his clearly-skeptical father took a printout and read it, showing some semblance of curiosity.
I said “Prepare yourself, youth! Read “Shylock the Jew” multiple times and make sure you and all of your friends never tune into “The Jon Stewart Show” again!”
He responded, “Dude, this doesn’t make any sense. These gas force people are going to rise from the dead……but Mel Gibson is still alive.”
I felt sadness and pity at the prospect of this child’s spiritual darkness and failure to understand……but I didn’t have the patience to explain anything to him. So I smacked him in the head with my bullhorn and then ran to keep his father from wrapping his hands around my throat.

Generally, except for a ragtag group of White Supremacists (oddly enough) who loved what I was saying, but wanted to promote my teachings on their own time with a great distance away from me, no one came on board.

So then, what are the lessons about fear and belief to be learned by Harold Camping? I have no idea. When you figure it out, please notify me. I have to see about moving Halloween to September since no one will make it to its traditional date.

Notes:
*The title of this post is a reference to this book/film.
1) “Mathematician” – “tician” + “Christian” =
2) Translation: Young man, I am trying to attain rest! Turn the volume on that most disturbing rap raucous down this instant! You have not surpassed an age where a bout of physical discipline is no longer eligible!
3) G.lobal A.nti S.emite.
4) I kid, I joke. I love Natalie Portman and her shaved head to death. God is in the rain!
5) Didn’t get too warm of a reception in those. No idea why.

Answering some Plinky questions 5/14/2011

Oh…hello! Didn’t see you there! Welcome to another episode of The Samurai answers Plinky. I’ve decided to throw out the old formula of picking three random questions to answer, because I won’t have answers for them all. And some of the questions are kind of corny and clichéd. So, I picked these three questions for this time around:

Posed on Thursday, Oct 21st, 2010
Are you an optimist, a pessimist, or something else?
Hmm……I expect the worst from people, so I guess I’m a pessimist. I still have hope for a brighter future, so I guess I’m an optimist. I’m not sure either one of those concepts completely color my life viewpoint, but if I had to pick one, I’d say pessimist. Humans create their own reality, but they don’t always keep this in mind when they give in to destructive and shallow urges. Continually.
However, it is fully possible for them to put a general halt to this, and in the state of the world today (as well as throughout history), the more substantial human being lives, hopes, and strives for what is possible. Not what simply…….is.

Posed on Sunday, November 28th, 2010
Yay or nay: Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
I look at love as a solid affirmation and appreciation of a human being. To truly love someone is to do for them as you would do for yourself (with respect to their [moral] desires and well-being). As that stands, I think it would benefit a person to love them, so that even after you lose them, they come out of the relationship a changed and spiritually stronger person. So, I will say better to have loved and lost.
Note: this answer does not take into consideration a person you’ve loved that was a piece of shit.

Posed on Monday, October 11th, 2011
Your house is on fire. Which keepsake items do you grab, and why?
You see, this goes back to the question of whether a person is who they truly are when they just act out of a blind passion or when they first deliberate and plan. This could also yield some pretty sad personifications for people, including me.
I’d like to say that I’d grab my books, T.V., Xbox and cellphone (shows you what I value, right?). But I highly doubt I’d be able to carry a 6-foot bookshelf full of novels out during a fire, and the Xbox might be a bit of a hindrance, too. So I may attempt to grab other things that I actually have the strength and energy to salvage.
Clothes are replaceable, and I can sleep on the floor just fine. The items I listed are replaceable as well, but look at how much an Xbox and flat-screen T.V. costs! Replacing those takes much more work than replacing the clothes (replacing a bed is costly as well, but I can wait for that just fine). I can’t do without my novels, “Law and Order” repeats or “The Saboteur” game-time; those are things that will help me in the down time while I struggle to get back on my feet.

The Near Government Shutdown

People try to stay neutral and give all political sides (which in the U.S. is primarily Democrat and Republican) a chance to govern in various situations, even if it’s just to be in the name of being open-minded. I read people’s comments in blogs, news articles and on Facebook about how people shouldn’t vote for politicians based on ideology, but rather on how they are proposing to address important issues of the time. I, a staunch liberal, try to adopt that outlook…but it’s a bit difficult for anyone with logic and humanity, in and out of politics, not to see patterns that constantly emerge every time a right-wing candidate gets a hold of power.

Just a week ago, a government shutdown, what would’ve been the 9th or 10th in American history, was almost going to be administrated by the Conservatives and Tea Party members in the House of Representatives and the Senate who wanted to stop Barack Obama from spending government money on programs for healthcare, unemployment, the arts and sciences and education.

A government shutdown means that employees who work directly for the government would’ve been sent home on non-pay status (unless exempted because people lives depend directly on their job) for an indeterminate amount of time, national parks, museums and monuments would be closed down and forced to lose potential revenue, patients stop being admitted into the National Institute of Health and toxic waste clean-up around the country comes to a halt, amongst other stuff. In an economy that’s just barely making its way back to a healthy state, the Repubs want to stop more people’s income, which will in turn ripple its way through society and affect others trying to make a living.

Since 2003, Dubya the Monster led our country into a sharp economic descent with his unnecessary and unjustified war in Iraq (which was primarily meant to claim the oil refineries in Iran for his and his Big Oil friends’ pockets). After his second term (which he won by his brother’s corruption) finished, Barack Obama stepped in and began initiatives to get people hired again, to get quality education to kids whose families wouldn’t be able to afford, to get healthcare to people who can’t afford it, amongst other things. The conservatives are up his ass because he began using government money to achieve these ends, although the nation is in debt.

Funny, since everyone will tell you that this recession is as bad as the one that occurred during World War II. And government spending is exactly what got the country out of the recession that time.

For the last few weeks, conservatives in the House of Reps and the Senate, with John Boehner as one of their head speakers, fought to pass a bill demanding as much as $70 billion in budget cuts, with the riders that the government stop sending “Abortion Funding” to Planned Parenthood, a national reproductive health services organization, and that they stop funding environmental policies, particularly one that would’ve installed Federal Wilderness Protection for a certain million-acre plot of undeveloped land in the West.

The Repubs say Obama is only installing the FWP to prevent private sector companies from coming in and drilling that land for oil. As far as I’m concerned, the idiots just made a solid case for him without him even saying anything.

But with the first rider, they’ve again proved that in order to espouse patriotism, you have to get rid of reality. The government funds Planned Parenthood so that they may be able to give treatment for STD’s, pregnancy testing, cancer screenings, birth control and other services to underprivileged women who can’t afford it. None of this money goes to abortion, patrons pay for those themselves. Not to mention the fact that abortions are an infinitesimal portion of the services that P.P. provides, despite the Repubs wanting to identify the entire organization as an “abortion center”.

But here’s the kicker in all this: if the Republicans were to have gone ahead with the government shutdown, pay would’ve been delayed for soldiers in Afghanistan and Libya and wherever the hell else there’s probable oil sources are.
The military, an institution usually shunned by liberals and praised as high as God Himself by the right-wing for being the symbol of what a “worthy” American looks like, would’ve had their pay taken away from them by the conservatives if the Federal Government didn’t stop their “abortion funding”. I hope soldiers are paying attention to this, so they may see the party that will actually make the military suffer if they can’t push their illogical and inhumane agenda on the nation.

I watched a video of a Fox News interview with Mike Huckabee where he was asked his opinion of this whole thing, and during his explanation that the Republicans should take whatever they’ve won from this battle and move on, he said that “The President, the Senate and the media will blame the Republicans” for the possible shutdown because “they won’t see it as ‘The Republicans were really trying to save America’”. Come, come now. I would think that modernism, or even post-modernism (perhaps especially), would completely decimate the mentality that bringing a country salvation means destroying its spirit. But the GOP still drags their antiquated ideals into today’s spotlight. And it’s still left to the more enlightened folk to fight these clowns.