Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Their side

At this point in my death life, there is a current descent into hermitage. I've plotted my life into the arts and crafts world. My closer friends desire a tight knit social microcosm. Both reasons are interchangeably why we are letting each other go. Says my logic anyway. Such is what appears to be the dynamics of life.

4 women that I talk to on the regular basis, all the same age (26-27), living in different parts of New York City with only me to connect them, are going through a rough and quite depressing time in their lives right now. They all deeply long to have a husband and a few children. But as each day passes and the reality that they are not getting any younger becomes sharper, it seems to them to become more and more difficult to develop said relations.

[Carla] has her own apartment and job, working as a sex educator to different classes in different schools. She has tried the company of a variety of people which include: the shot guy I've referred to in the "my side" post whom I've promptly labeled "50 Cent"; a club promoter; some being who lives upstate; and others. Although "50" has come the closest to fulfilling her long-term, full-time post for a position as husband due to the fact that they've known each other for so long and have been through much, he has failed. Unfortunately, the relationship began to be less about spending time with him and more about being responsible for him. How can he be the husband when he's too busy being the child?

Given this context, a review of our hanging out again possibly implies that Carla considered me to start her new family with, and my conversation with her about it led to her having the same feelings as my ex may have...............

[Penelope], as I've stated before, liked me when we were younger, but I never looked at her in such a light. Not that she was hideous or Republican or anything, I just seen her as a close companion. But, on the Monday after "Minority Report" was first released in theaters (this is how I remember dates), I decided to try taking our relationship further. A few events, discussions and arguments came and gone in the following year and some months, but we ultimately broke up because our lives we're in irreconcilable directions. She had, early, begun casting for the part of her husband and children's father in the film of her life. But I could not take the role, as I'm allergic to children and have not a bit more than a moral love* for them.

I do not find them cute, I don't think they're the only way to continue my being nor would I have them on the strength of. It is not a moral imperative to have them as the Conservative Christians believe (although it is imperative that we take care of and teach the ones that are here), nor can the will of child-bearing come from having someone who looks like me or having an existential challenge, as others of no special mention have suggested. Basically put, unless I come across ones who have the character (or a derivative) of Hermione, I do not have the patience. These feelings can possibly come from a variety of sources, which I will list elsewhere.

Again, given this context, it is possible that with my adamant views, and Carla and Penelope's desperation to find someone passionate about starting a family, it maybe that it has come to the point that they hardly tolerate [my/any kind of] male fellowship in their lives unless it is steering towards that special vision for themselves. Penelope is doing her best to get on with herself, focusing on enjoying life the best she can now. Carla is trying the same, but I fear her attempt is weaker, as she has taken up crying occasionally on review of her own situation.

This is just a hypothesis. Both parties have never said such a thing about the toleration, but I fear it maybe working within their spirits, and the descent into hermitage coming from my pathological rejection of conventional societal values............I'm making myself a hermit. The dynamics.

This post has become quite long. I'll discuss the other two's plight at a later time.

*See C.S. Lewis's "Mere Christianity", the chapter about Forgiveness.


  1. Don't Feed The PixiesJuly 16, 2008 at 6:38 AM

    The second best kind of children are the ones that are someone elses and the best are the ones you don't have to deal with at all.

    Many people have kids for purely selfish reasons - to propogate their family line, to feel their life has meaning, to fill some gap. Arguably those of us who step back and think about the moral implications of bringing a life into this world without asking it would probably make much better parents. But cats are way, way easier

  2. The Clandestine SamuraiJuly 16, 2008 at 3:10 PM

    Totally man, cats are the best. Even if they wasn't easier, I'd still pick them over children.

  3. ah .... the thing is ... unfortunately for all that the women's movement has provided -- there still is incredible pressure on women to get married and have children. It's not for the weak of heart for a woman to not conform to this ... whether its a married woman who chooses to not have kids, a single woman who chooses to not marry her partner, nor a single woman who chooses to not get married or have kids.

    But at least when you find someone who can see your viewpoint with an open mind and open heart, you know she would be a woman of strong character

    (* please note, I am NOT implying that woman who choose to have kids are just doing it out of "pressure" - there are many women who make this choice consciously. But I'm just pointing out the societal pressure!)

  4. Just wanted to say that I love your writing style and the depth of your thoughts. Never worry about a post being too long. I do the same thing, but if the thoughts are flowing, just let them flow.

    P.S. I linked to your blog on my page...I hope that's alright. :)

  5. That is so typical. The model of life according to our society: marry when you are 25 + (and get a good education), and get children when you are around 30.
    As Honour says, there is still a pressure on women to get married and have children, but well I see that pressure on men too. That sucks. I wish more people dared to live life as they wished, not as they thought they should, though of course some people may wish to follow the "model" of life.

  6. i don't want to feel like i have to be married to feel 'secure' and that my relationship is why am i concerned that after nearly 5 years of being with someone, i am not a wife? maybe i'm caught up in the "social obligation" part of relationship.

    and when exactly do all the rest of us get to have big party and make our family & friends pay big bucks to attend? the unfairness is scathing.


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