Thursday, November 25, 2010

Zombies........Damn*

First: Today is the day when, in the Year of Our Lord 1621, there was a 3-day harvest feast in the Plymouth Colony in America, attended by 90 Native Americans of the Wampanoag tribe and 53 Separatist pilgrims from Europe. I think, if I or this country were to progressively affirm the harvest feast of American Thanksgiving, it would be celebrated by re-establishing a relationship with and strengthening the presence of various Native American tribes whom are now suffering greatly in many aspects due to the almost non-existent assistance from government, business or societal entities.

But enough of that........ this particular blog post is destined for a bit more loose and frivolous blabbering than what you are normally used to on here. Today, instead of reiterating my personal battles with stiff, rich knuckleheads who put their own savings and profit over giving other people jobs, I’m going to answer a question I got from plinky.com, a site that poses random questions for people to answer in order to inspire thought, emotion, whatever. The question I chose is:

The zombie apocalypse has arrived. What do you do?”


Well, to be extremely childish in my honesty, the first thought that comes to mind is the opportunity to be a make-pretend Ninja! I mean, zombies do not require special skill to be attacked and put down. A 10-year old with her father’s pitchfork could squash a relatively small army of them. I’ve always relished the fantasy of being a lightning-quick, direct-hit death machine with the agility of a panicked squirrel and the fatal effect of an infant forced to smoke crack at birth. I actually have neither of these strengths, due to laziness and real life not having the same existential fabric as “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, but the zombies wouldn’t know the difference. They’d just be busy toppling over from the furious force of a foot, fist, baseball bat, barbell, printer, Android phone, Grandmother.

I also think about the stereotypical scene in any given zombie film where a character is fighting off a horde or two, but realizes they’re trapped in a gruesome circle of undead and reacts by making an idiotic face of horror before fatally submitting to the zombie’s hunger for flesh. This is, has always been and always will be, stupid……although I guess it depends on where you are. If they’ve trapped you in your garage or room or something, I guess that’s different (and even then, you could probably fight your way out). But you could climb on top of a light fixture or a car or something and wait until help arrives. They usually come in thick packs, stumbling over each other for dinnertime access to your innards: I’m sure simple amateur ballerina moves will allow you to walk on their heads and escape to less claustrophobic areas, which is a better defensive move against zombies than just standing there and screaming from being overwhelmed.

Perhaps the realism of such situations escape me, but hypothetically speaking, that’s where I stand. What say you?

*The title of this post is in reference to a line said in this film commercial.

4 comments:

  1. First, best defense and line in a blog I've read to date: "They’d just be busy toppling over from the furious force of a foot, fist, baseball bat, barbell, printer, Android phone, Grandmother."

    What would I do? Well, I would raid the grocery store with baseball bat & gun in tow. Then board up the house and hang till the internet dies. After that... still up in the air.

    -- Ivy (@unscriptedlife)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is hilarious! I am picturing it all go down and can hear your voice now saying the title of this blog and then cracking up laughing like the other night. Oh, I can't stop laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. clearly you find a single mom, a reforming criminal on the run, a priest losing his/her religion and, if possible, an alcoholic cop/fireman

    Or thats how it looks from survival films. In the uk its hard to get your hands on firearms - but i wrote a vampire story some years ago where the hero bought a meat cleaver from his local mall to use for beheadings - so like you i would tour the sports shops for golf clubs, baseball bats etc - then find someone that the movie world tells me is more dispensible than i am and head for the hills!

    Good to see you posting again

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yeah but you forgot the cute but wise-beyond-her-years little blonde girl who is more savvy than anybody else in dealing with the beasties. Newt from aliens, anyone?

    ReplyDelete

What's your beef, sports fan?